To My Miscarried Baby on its Due Date

Dear Baby,

You were quite the champ. We weren’t planning on having a baby for another year or so, but deep down, I was always kind of hoping one of you would slip past the goalie. And you did! I won’t go into detail, but I knew during that time in our lives that you would be a possibility, so when I took the pregnancy test and it turned positive in 3 seconds, I wasn’t really surprised. I still had a panic attack, but I wasn’t surprised. I called your Aunt Rachel, who knew I was taking the test, and she was almost more excited than I was! Your cousin Jonny was with her and we told him the good news too, but I’m not sure he quite understood 😉

Then I told your Daddy on our third anniversary. I had been wondering if he had noticed any of the small signs, but he was shocked. But he was happy too! We loved you already. Then we told the rest of the family and a few friends.

Unfortunately, you weren’t meant to hang around too long. It’s a prett long story, but I started seeing the red flags within a couple days of the test, and by 6 weeks you were in heaven. Unfortunately my body didn’t get the memo, and I carried your lifeless body for the three worst weeks of my life.

 

Even though we didn’t have very much time together, I think about you pretty much everyday. When I realize that today, you would have been my actual baby to actually hold and raise, it’s an insane thought.  Would you be a boy or girl? Would you have red hair like your cousin? Would you be an introvert like me or a talker like your dad?

We won’t know until we get to heaven. And that’s what makes this whole experience not happy, but not totally depressing either. I have no doubt that you were immediately with Jesus. I have no doubt that your two great-grandmothers are taking the best care of you. Your great-grandmothers passed before they got to meet any of their great-grandchildren, and it’s nice to know they get you all to themselves, before anyone else got to meet you!

So this is just to say that no matter how many other children may come in the future, you were our first and you were special. We will never forget you and look forward to the day we finally meet.